Strong

Do you know what? Now I will stop being and acting like this. No matter how bad life feels like, the clouds will fade away and sun will shine again. So no need to worry, no reason to be too sad and desperate. There will be some solution to every problem and hurting somebody in any way is not one of them. I realised that I have to start to be stronger again, I think I used to be but then I turned back to what I had been some years ago. But that won't happen again, now I'm happy and srtong and won't let some stupid things to let me down.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Good night. <3

PS. I love my friends

Who controls..

Do you ever feel that you can't control your life or yourself? That someone else is doing it for you? It feels terrible, doesn't it? It's like you're a needless button in a game or a piece of a puzzle that has no place and you can easily be thrown away.. Nobody needs you but you might need someone. But there's nobody for you. Well, I have paper and pen for me but they aren't very talkative, they don't give a tight and warm hug, they don't dry my tears, they don't make me feel better. Only thing they can do is listen.

If you can't control your life, someone is doing it for you. And that doesn't feel like real life. I have only one thing in my life I can control but people are trying to take that away from me too. What do I have left then? Just the unlived life that people decide for me. But I don't want that. I want MY life. I need to make my decisions, my mistakes, I have to create my way. If I have no right for my life then it looks like a skeleton. There's something built for me and it stays in one piece. But you have no use for that, it stays only still, it can't move. You're stuck there where you're standing. You have no power to change anything, you have to let others to do everything. Sounds like a nice way of life.... At least it's easy....

I'm tired of following others and doing like they want. I used to think I'm living my life for myself but now I don't think like that anymore. I had plans but nobody really cares so I will just forget them. Does my life have any meaning when it's like this..? I don't even know what word 'live' means, I don't feel like I'm living. I have always tried to be good, nice and kind to others but this is all I got. Do I deserve all this shit? What have I done so wrong in my life.. I think I shouldn't talk about God here, but he has a plan for everybody, doesn't he? So is my job on earth to try to please other people and collect their shits? Or is the meaning of my life to do what people say and watch what happens to me? I'm so tired of this, when is it fucking my turn??????!! I let everybody to be and go before me and I'm always the last one and I get what's left from others. I'm a rubbish in everybody's life that could be kicked away at any time, nobody really needs me. But I'm angry. I want to get my move in this game and win the next match.

I guess I'm a bad person and I'm meant to be lonely. People have the right to kick on my face and I can't say anything, not even try to stop them. I'm here for everybody, I don't judge, I don't say no. I can listen to people's problems and try to help them but who listens to me and helps me. I just want everybody to be happy, I want everything good to everybody. I want to save the world, help kids in Africa and go to Paris. I want to share my love but what happens when I have wasted all my love. From where can I get more love? Or doesn't love ever come to an end, does it just stay and increase?

But I don't want to live like this. It will be changed. I want to be the one who controls my life and lives it, no matter what others want from me. I want to find my place. Or I could just fade away. People would be happier without me.

I was angry when I started to write this, now I'm just sad. Actually everything I said isn't quite true, I have some great friends who are there for me and they are one of the most important things in my life.  I had many things to say but I left them. Nothing actually matters so whatever. Be happy. If you can.

Did you hear? No, no you didn't. It was just my tear that dropped. Nobody saw. Good. Better. The worst.
I'm tired. I don't want to fight. Give a hug?

I Just Need You Now

Midsummer

We had midsummer this weekend. It was something absolutely awesome! I spent some really good time with my old lovely friends whom I hadn't seen since like 6 months or something, some since a longer time than that. That night I slept less than one hour, I had so much other things to do. :D We actually had a party, about 10 girls and 2 guys and lot of drinks. They guys made the party quite wild, as you can believe.. In the morning I was thinking that what the hell had I done last night.. But luckily I didn't do anything bad, at least not anything as bad as two other girls.. :D We vere what some crazy, and also broke some things in the house. Oops..
But it was so damn fun, I'd like to do that again. The other guy was nice too, I liked sleeping next to him.. ;)

Finns love midsummer, and so do I. I even did some midsummer magic what legeds say, but they didn't work. One was that I collected 7 different kind of flowers and put them under my pillow at night, and then I should have seen a dream of my becoming husband. But I didn't see any dreams, at least I don't remember. So does this mean that I won't get a husband..? So sad :( :D Maybe I will get a wife. No, I'm not so lesbian I think.

But if you're drunk, perhaps you shouldn't text to your friends.. The next day I was a bit ashamed of everything I had said to him and he just laughed like I was an idiot. But anyhow it was fun too, but it would have been better if he was there with me and I didn't need to text him. At that time I felt that I want someone close to me and that old stranger guy wasn't the best alternative for that..

I guess this post was, and is, more or less quite nonsene but I hope you understood even something. :D At least you should know that I had a really really good weekend, and I love my friends and midsummer. <3

Live for yourself

Only you can live your life and only you can enjoy your days. So stop living it for others, you should do it for yourself. You can make your own choices and walk your own path, or then you can allow others to tell you what to do and follow in their footsteps like a dog. But are you sure that the last one is really what you want from your life.. I guess no. At least I want to be my king, or more likely queen, the lord in my kingdom. My kingdom, my rules, my rules, my way, my way, my life.

https://twitter.com/Iamkennedyk/status/342318338300600320


I wonder why people aren't what they really are when they're hanging out with their friends or others. The real person comes out when they are alone and nobody can see what they are doing. It's just so fake to be like that. I don't say that I'm not doing exactly the same, I'm just like others of course. Maybe sometimes I'm ashamed of myself and that's why I'm acting to be something else than I really am, I don't know. Or with some people I'm shy to show the deepest myself so I hide it behind all the shells. Or perhaps it's a way to protect ourselves and keep the 'real I' in safe from bad things and criticism and evil words that could hurt us.