Who controls..

Do you ever feel that you can't control your life or yourself? That someone else is doing it for you? It feels terrible, doesn't it? It's like you're a needless button in a game or a piece of a puzzle that has no place and you can easily be thrown away.. Nobody needs you but you might need someone. But there's nobody for you. Well, I have paper and pen for me but they aren't very talkative, they don't give a tight and warm hug, they don't dry my tears, they don't make me feel better. Only thing they can do is listen.

If you can't control your life, someone is doing it for you. And that doesn't feel like real life. I have only one thing in my life I can control but people are trying to take that away from me too. What do I have left then? Just the unlived life that people decide for me. But I don't want that. I want MY life. I need to make my decisions, my mistakes, I have to create my way. If I have no right for my life then it looks like a skeleton. There's something built for me and it stays in one piece. But you have no use for that, it stays only still, it can't move. You're stuck there where you're standing. You have no power to change anything, you have to let others to do everything. Sounds like a nice way of life.... At least it's easy....

I'm tired of following others and doing like they want. I used to think I'm living my life for myself but now I don't think like that anymore. I had plans but nobody really cares so I will just forget them. Does my life have any meaning when it's like this..? I don't even know what word 'live' means, I don't feel like I'm living. I have always tried to be good, nice and kind to others but this is all I got. Do I deserve all this shit? What have I done so wrong in my life.. I think I shouldn't talk about God here, but he has a plan for everybody, doesn't he? So is my job on earth to try to please other people and collect their shits? Or is the meaning of my life to do what people say and watch what happens to me? I'm so tired of this, when is it fucking my turn??????!! I let everybody to be and go before me and I'm always the last one and I get what's left from others. I'm a rubbish in everybody's life that could be kicked away at any time, nobody really needs me. But I'm angry. I want to get my move in this game and win the next match.

I guess I'm a bad person and I'm meant to be lonely. People have the right to kick on my face and I can't say anything, not even try to stop them. I'm here for everybody, I don't judge, I don't say no. I can listen to people's problems and try to help them but who listens to me and helps me. I just want everybody to be happy, I want everything good to everybody. I want to save the world, help kids in Africa and go to Paris. I want to share my love but what happens when I have wasted all my love. From where can I get more love? Or doesn't love ever come to an end, does it just stay and increase?

But I don't want to live like this. It will be changed. I want to be the one who controls my life and lives it, no matter what others want from me. I want to find my place. Or I could just fade away. People would be happier without me.

I was angry when I started to write this, now I'm just sad. Actually everything I said isn't quite true, I have some great friends who are there for me and they are one of the most important things in my life.  I had many things to say but I left them. Nothing actually matters so whatever. Be happy. If you can.

Did you hear? No, no you didn't. It was just my tear that dropped. Nobody saw. Good. Better. The worst.
I'm tired. I don't want to fight. Give a hug?